One of the most common fears people have when a friend or family member loses someone is: what do I say? The fear of saying the wrong thing can sometimes lead people to stay silent — which, for the person grieving, can feel like abandonment. The truth is that there are no perfect words, but there are better ones. And there are phrases that, despite being well-intentioned, are best left unsaid.
Before getting to specific phrases, it helps to understand what someone in grief is looking for. Mostly, they need to feel seen and acknowledged — that their loss is real and significant — and not alone — that someone is with them through the pain.
Simple. Direct. Sincere. This phrase is common because it works. Your sincerity is what matters, not verbal originality.
A warm, inclusive statement that doesn’t require any response from the grieving person.
Specific memories are gifts. Naming something particular about the person who died — their laugh, a kindness they showed, a funny story — is deeply comforting to those who loved them.
Honest and powerful. Admitting that you don’t have the right words while showing up anyway is often more comforting than anything eloquent.
Specific, practical offers are far more useful than open-ended offers to help. Grieving people often cannot identify what they need — making the choice for them is a kindness.
Even if you share this belief, the phrase can feel dismissive of the grief the living are experiencing right now.
This can feel invalidating when someone is in acute grief. Even if they believe it themselves, hearing it from others rarely helps.
Grief is deeply individual. Even if you have experienced loss, your experience is not the same as theirs. Better: “I cannot imagine how hard this is.”
This places an unfair burden on someone already hurting. Grief is not weakness — it is love.
Show up. Keep showing up. Grief doesn’t end at the funeral. The weeks and months that follow — when everyone else returns to their lives — are often the hardest. A text, a call, or a meal delivered six weeks later can mean the world.
If the grieving person shows signs of serious distress — inability to function, talk of self-harm, prolonged inability to eat or sleep — gently encourage them to seek professional support. You can offer to help them find a grief counselor or accompany them to an appointment. Resources in Illinois include GriefShare support groups (griefshare.org), hospice bereavement services, and licensed therapists specializing in grief and loss.
We work with families during one of life’s most difficult passages. If your family needs cremation services in the Chicago metro area, we are here 24/7 at (847) 404-2016 — 1821 Walden Office Square, Suite #400, Schaumburg, IL 60173.
